Friday, August 27, 2010

Luke the Barbarian

If for no other reason, you should read this post because one of my sixteen-year-old buds gets completely owned by an old German lady at McDonald's. Talk about the tensions and mysteries of humanity...

This should be preceded by saying that Luke, the sixteen-year-old, is completely kind and chivalrous. I appreciate Luke; what makes this story so ironic and funny is that the one time he slipped up, Fate was there to give him a vigorous noogie.

Once upon a time, Luke decided to spend 72 hours awake for the fun of it and the elite glory of being able to claim he had done so. At the time this story occurred, he had been awake for 32 of his allotted hours. In brief, he was exhausted. He, his brother (my Levi!), myself, and another young gentleman that was to join him on his somnolent journey congregated at McDonald's for a short quiescence. There was general fun at McDonald's. Then we decided to go to the library. (Fun fun fun!)

This is where the tense complications take place: We're headed out the door. If I remember all this correctly, I walk out, Luke and his friend come out next, followed by an elderly German lady wearing a track suit, while Levi holds the door open for us all (win!)

The woman stops Luke and the other young man in their tracks and gives them a pretty epic speech that goes something like this, just to cover the high parts:

"To be a gentleman means to be gentle to all men, women, and respect the elderly. When there is a woman coming through the door, you do not walk in front of her. You hold open the door for her and let her go first as he did"--(gestures to Levi. Double win, dude.)

The speech went a little longer and Luke stared at German track suit lady numbly with bloodshot eyes. He listened very attentively, respectfully and also looked a little frightened, and, needless to say, I was about to lose it. Levi and I made an escape towards the car as the German accent faded out of earshot.

So, to review the scores:

Luke's Friend--Fail
Luke--Epic Fail
Grandma--Epic Win

Monday, August 9, 2010

Special Days

There are some events in a young girl's life that they never forget--and leave them changed forever.

For instance, the time about three years ago when all the people on our dirt road decided to get together for a "block party." What this meant was that, since our house was located on this road, we were qualified to attend a gathering of lonely, socially deprived people, sitting in lawn chairs, holding styrofoam plates of food, staring at each other with hungry eyes. I'm what you would call an introverted person. I was dragged to aforementioned party whimpering just moments after my teddy bear was ripped from my fingers. A flogging or a bath in warm acid would have been preferable for me. We drove a few miles down the road to the destination of our party. I watched the billows of dust rise into the air behind our car and hoped that my dread was unfounded.

All I'm gonna say is that I hate it when I'm right.

A few minutes into our visit, I met a very sweet and ambitious elderly lady who determined after our brief exchange that I was her grandson's soul mate. We spoke for several minutes about how ravenously wonderful and attractive her grandson was, as well as how compatible I would be with said Prince Charming (the fact that I owned an ATV sealed his heart).

P. Charming showed up about an hour later. How can I describe him?
About 5'8. Oily. Relatively overweight. Oozing with bad attitude.

We were introduced and Mr. Charming looked at me as though he would enjoy seeing lightning bolts strike me in the face. Apparently this was not the first time Grandma had played matchmaker for him and he didn't like the look of me or my face. He took one look at me and found something else to do. I praised God as he escaped me, to the chagrin of his grandmother.

The funniest part of this story is when Grandma tracked him down and spoke to him very forcefully and aggressively. It was undoubtedly about me because immediately afterwards he gave me a withering death glare and returned to his friends.

My evening culminated in a vigorous game of "Gotcha" with the golden retriever chained up in the backyard.

Of course, there are other memorable days in a young girl's life. Like the time when I learned that my brother and I had been using the same toothbrush for some weeks without either of us realizing it.

When your routines never cross, bad things can happen.

Bring it on, life.