Friday, April 16, 2010

Things they didn't tell me about braces

Yes--I have a lovely overbite and a mouth full of metal to compensate. Dentists and hygienists are the sweetest, most precious, awful, frustrating little people I've ever had the pleasure of sitting still beside as they shoved their gloved hands into my mouth. It's a great way to meet new people. I think the best part is when the dentist begins to tell the hygienist about his weird voicemails that week as, he highly unawares, the edge of the tiny mirror in his hand begins a slow journey to the bones in my gums.

What's even better is when my jaw is dislocating from opening my mouth so wide, and the hygienist asks me a question about my family or tells me a funny joke. I then request for them to remove my lower jaw and set it aside for later.

Considering braces? Here's what you need to know:

1. Can't fit your teeth together? Have to fend off starvation with mashed potatoes and tomato soup? That's perfectly normal!'ll lose weight!

2. Those little white sores in your mouth that burn like a kiss from the dark side? They're called canker sores. Use your provided wax.

3. You will want to refrain from engaging in sports that engage your face, including horseplay. Someone could unwittingly get the inside of your cheeks caught on the precarious wires sticking out of your brackets, etc. This is also perfectly normal and again calls for wax.

As you can obviously tell, I am perfectly enchanted with my braces.

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